Personality disorders (PDs) are a huge topic, and there is a lot to say. In this podcast I have chosen to speak about some topics that I think are important, but I obviously leave a lot out. If viewers want me to speak about this topic again, or cover one particular subject concerning PDs, please write to me at podcasts@fullyhuman.co.uk
There is a great deal of research on personality disorders, but most of it focuses on those with the PD. Researchers love going into the details of the disorders sometimes out of a genuine desire to help. I believe the politics behind the allocation of funding for research has something to do with the fact that there seems to be no interest in studying the impact that people with PDs have on others.
Those who are suffering from the impact of someone with a PD, have to rely on self-help literature. This video adds to the existing body of self-help on the topic, and I hope people find it helpful.
In this video I cover the following:
• What are personality disorders
• The impact of personality disorders on other people in relationships, in
the workplace and in society in general
• How to avoid harm
• What to do if you are already harmed
Important points to remember:
PDs are real, and they are a result of a particular brain structure. PDs are not a matter of judgement or guesswork and they’re not an invention of the psychiatric profession. The brains of people with PDs do not operate the same way as the brains of people who do not have a PD.
There is a genetic component in PDs, and it is not true that all people with PDs were victims of childhood abuse.
My guesstimate is that around 20% of people have a PD, but no one knows the exact number. Only a fraction of people with PDs ever receive a formal diagnosis.
No one knows how to ‘fix’ PDs, because we do not possess the technology to build brain parts that are not sufficiently developed. Therapy does not work because to change in therapy people need a functional prefrontal cortex (PFC) and good neuroplasticity. For therapy to be effective, the brain needs be able to change, especially in the area between the limbic and prefrontal systems. People with PDs seem to lack the components and neuroplasticity necessary for change.
If you worry that you might have a PD, you probably don’t have it. People with PDs are oblivious to the meaning of their diagnosis because they lack the capacity for self-awareness.
People with PDs can’t help but cause harm, because of their unique brain structure. They appear to have a permanently impaired prefrontal cortex. They lack empathy, they can’t regulate their behaviour or their emotions, and they must be the centre of attention. It’s not that they choose to be harmful, they just can’t help it. They don’t learn from experience and seem to be unable to change. An explanation, however, is not an excuse. A predator cannot help what they are, but they are still dangerous.
People with Borderline PD (BPD) crave fusion with others — any experience of abandonment, real or imagined, triggers them and destabilises them. They can either collapse into crisis or become very abusive. A feeling of abandonment can be triggered by something as simple as a partner having their own activities or interest. BPD parents are often jealous of the bond their children can have with the other parent and they tend to try to sabotage it. They can make their children or their partner feel disloyal to them if they try to bond. They don’t like their children to grow up, because a child becoming an independent adult triggers the parent’s fear of abandonment. People with BPD are completely oblivious to the harm they do to their children, and if you try to tell them about it they are likely to attack you.
People with Narcissistic PD (NPD) crave constant admiration — not receiving constant recognition from others triggers them. Like BPDs they can collapse into criss or become very abusive. As parents people with NPD would often tend to split their children. They would decide that one child is wonderful and talented but the other is useless. They would often sabotage the relationship between siblings. The sibling the parent with NPD dotes on is in a terrible bind because while the NPD parent pushes them to excel at whatever it is the parent values, they also give them the message that they can’t be better than the parent. It’s crazy-making. The child that is doted on grows up confused and without a healthy sense of self. They tend not to come to therapy and they can end up suffering for the rest of their lives, always believing that they don’t have a ‘right’ to have their problems. It’s the child or children who are rejected by the parent with NPD that tend to come to therapy and they often can recover from the harm done to them. While they suffer neglect and rejection, they also tend to be left to their own devices which means they have some freedom from the parent’s psychological impact compared with the more preferred child. All parents with PDs use a particular or children as suppliers. They can’t see that this is what they’re doing, because they lack self-awareness and empathy and have no idea what they are doing.
People with Antisocial PD (APD), also called psychopathy/sociopathy — crave control over others. If they don’t get it, or they feel their victim is slipping away from them they can collapse into a victim state or become extremely abusive. Control can manifest in any context.
Of the ‘big three’ — BPD, NPD and APD — psychopaths are the more likely to be physically violent, to commit rape, steal or embezzle from their workplace, commit fraud, child abuse or murder. They are more likely to commit domestic abuse and coercive control, although people with BPD and NPD are also very harmful in relationships and can leave other with serious trauma.
All three PDs have things in common but the way to distinguish between them is by focusing on what it is they crave.
All three PDs are known to be gaslighters. They lie easily and they don’t remember past interactions in a helpful way. They react to the moment and there is almost no sense of shared history. Their emotional/developmental age is between two to five years old.
PDs can’t help the way they are, but that does not mean they are harmless, quite the contrary.
People with PDs can present very well—many can be quite seductive and appear to give their target victim/supplier everything they think they want. The more successful predators are very good at reading people and working out what people want or where their weaknesses are. If you are on a receiving end of a charm offensive, for example, and things seem too good to be true, it’s probably because they are. People with PDs can hide in plain sight. But their impact is nonetheless visible if people pay attention and do not excuse inexcusable behaviour.
As a general rule, it’s always a good idea to pay more attention ot what people do or how they than to what they say. And if their behaviour is wrong or unacceptable and they resist feedback or change, there is a high probability you’re dealing with someone with a PD.
For those involved in recruitment, if you want to avoid hiring someone with a PD, it’s a good idea to not rely only on an interview process. Presentations are not useful to filter out people with PDs either, because they can be impressive presenters. Because you want to observe behaviour, then in addition to a standard interview process, applicants should be required to join a team, or to shadow someone for a whole day or preferably longer if possible, depending on the nature of the work and the organisational structure. People with PDs do not cooperate so if given long enough, a day or preferably a week, especially where there is work pressure and high stakes for them, they will inevitably expose themselves. Putting serious effort into recruitment and observing behaviours is worth it and will pay off. If you recruit someone with a PD they could destroy your team or even an entire organisation. We witness this all the time where things go wrong in organisations.
It’s really important to pay attention to any warning signs or red flags you might have when you meet someone new. When people choose to ignore their warning signs, they might find themselves too deep into a relationship where they are being harmed. I can’t tell you how many times I have come across this in twenty-six years of practice. But some people with PDs are so good at what they do, it’s not always obvious that something is wrong until later in the relationship.
In the UK any woman who starts a relationship with a new man take advantage of Clare’s Law. Any man who has had a complaint against them, even if he was never charged or convicted will be listed in police records. A woman can contact the police anywhere in the UK and ask if a man she has started to see has ever had any complaint against him. This can’t save everyone. Women can still fall prey to a man with a PD who has never had a complaint against him but it will help in some cases. There is no ‘Clare’s Law’ equivalent for men. Men can and do become victims of women with a PD, and they suffer the same devastating impact. There is no gender to PDs and they seem to be distributed equally and randomly between men and women.
It is impossible to sort things out in relationship with someone with a PD. You can’t make them see your point of view, understand or care about the impact they have on you. It’s not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. They do not have the neurological ‘equipment’ to participate in relationships in a reciprocal, equitable and mutually safe way. In relationship with someone with the PD there is only one person in the relationship. Everyone else ‘works’ for them, or is a resource for them.
No matter what mental health condition a person has, abuse is never justified and it’s never the victim’s fault. People with who have a PD tell their victims that everything that is going wrong is their fault. They use blame, lie and gaslight to justify the abuse or inappropriate hurtful behaviour they inflict on others.
If you are abused, controlled or bullied seek immediate help.
If possible, stay away. If you can’t, you need to know what you are dealing with, ensure you are not isolated and that others know what you are experiencing.
You can develop yourself through integration work and heal your own past traumas or hurts. This is important to ensure that you are not harmed if you do have to be in regular contact with someone with a PD because of family relationships, or work, for example.
Please remember that children are helpless and powerless and need adults to protect them from people with PDs who would use them as ’suppliers’ just as they use everyone else. Children are always easy and convenient targets for adults with PDs if they are not protected. Children’s need to be attached securely, loved and protected inevitably makes them vulnerable to predators.
Knowing what you are dealing with is key to staying safe and avoiding harm.
I wrote about NPD here, and here, and their impact on society. We seem to give power to people with PDs repeatedly. If we keep giving power to people with PDs, we shouldn’t be surprised at what they do, the chaos and harm they create, and therefore the mess the world is in. We have the knowledge, but we need to be willing to apply it if we want to stop repeating patterns. People with PDs are a part of the echo system. I am sure that there is an evolutionary reasons why a certain percentage of people are born to be predators and to not develop into full adult human beings. We need to be protective of them, but make sure they do no harm and certainly avoid giving them power over others.
