Putting narcissists in charge is a very foolish thing to do

And once again, humanity will pay the price

(If you have received this by email, please click on the title to read the latest version. I often correct typos and continue to edit my essays, after publishing the first version).

To make sense of what Trump does and what he will do, you must remember that he covets glory and admiration above all else. Whatever the cost, whatever the impact, achieving glory for himself is Trump’s only goal. The desire for admiration is the unifying principle around which his personality, such as it is, revolves.

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According to the DSM-V¹ to diagnose a person with narcissistic personality disorder, they need to have five out of nine listed traits (DSM V. Narcissistic Personality Disorder — Diagnostic Criteria 301.81 (F60.81). pp 669-670).

Narcissistic personality disorder is a “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (eg., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement (I.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

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The reason you can start seeing it in early adulthood is because by about fifteen to seventeen, most people should begin to demonstrate executive prefrontal functions such as empathy, self-awareness, perspective, self-regulation, personal ethics, and the ability to see that the world does not revolve around them, without having to be told. Before our executive functions become reliable, we can all be a bit self-centred, inconsiderate, poorly regulated, and lack a broader perspective. You cannot diagnose a narcissist (or any personality disorder) based on a one-off act. Anyone can have a bad day where their limbic system runs away with them, and shuts down the adult in their brain. To qualify as a personality disorder the traits have to be consistent across situations, and form a recurring, and persistent pattern.

Narcissists are predators, whose ‘food’, or sustenance (‘narcissistic supply’) comes from admiration. The ‘hole’ they have inside can never be filled, which makes them voracious, insatiable feeders. Real narcissists die hungry, and they hunt all the way to their last breath. There is never enough in the narcissist’s universe. The more ‘narcissistic supply’ they get, the more paranoid real narcissists become, that someone might steal it from them.

They cannot learn, and they cannot change (anyone who can genuinely change, learn from their mistakes, and demonstrate unprompted remorse about causing hurt to others, does not have a personality disorder. If you worry that you might have a personality disorder, especially because you worry about how it could impact on others, you definitely do not have it). People who have a personality disorder do not worry about it, and they are oblivious to their own impact on others. I was once privy to a story about a narcissist who happened to see a photocopy of the DSM criteria I shared above. Their response was, “That’s not a problem. It is a badge of honour”… (How many job descriptions, especially in the well-paid, higher echelons read like the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder?)

Here is a brilliant, if disturbing example of the absence of empathy from another famous narcissist, Boris Johnson. In a 2022 interview Johnson was told the story of an elderly London pensioner on very low income who was riding buses all day during winter, just to save on energy bills she could not afford. His response? “Just to remind you, the 24-hour freedom bus pass was something that I actually introduced.”

Even more disturbing than the response itself, was the fact that Johnson did not understand what was wrong with it. He just could not see it. Is it his ‘fault’? No it is not. He cannot help having the brain he does. The big mistake people often make with narcissists is trying to get them to see someone else’s point of view, or experience empathy. They genuinely cannot do this. The relevant neurological ‘equipment’ in their brain does not work. This is what makes them what they are. It is unfortunate that criterion 7 above, uses the word ‘unwilling’. This is grossly misleading, and I hope it will be corrected in the DSM VI. The absence of empathy is not a matter of ‘will’. It is a matter of neurological capability, or rather lack thereof. People with a personality disorder have a permanent impairment in the prefrontal cortex, which stops them from having high level, relational human abilities.

Narcissists leave nothing but chaos, division, and scorched earth in their wake. If they do, occasionally, do something good or useful, it is still not worth the price we pay for everything else they do, and the general atmosphere they foster in society. Narcissists are greedy, cruel, divisive, treacherous, poisonous, fickle, and dangerous. They cannot plan, they have no empathy, and their focus is only on what would secure them the greatest amount of ‘narcissistic supply’. They would present whatever image, and say whatever they believe would get them the most admiration in each moment. This is why narcissists can say one thing in one company, and ten minutes later, the exact opposite to a different group of people.

The media go into pointless analysis when this happens, and dissect every word and statement, instead of acknowledging the obvious. Narcissists seem inconsistent because their goal is not what they say it is. Their only goal is to secure as much narcissistic supply as possible. If you understand this, you can see that their behaviour is entirely consistent with this goal. If you find it difficult to understand, it is because you are not a narcissist. Anyone with a healthy brain would find this confusing and hard to believe, which is why people need to focus not on what narcissists say, but what they do. The behaviour is what gives them away, because in the moment they can be quite convincing. Narcissists can appear charming, charismatic, even generous and helpful. But look into their eyes, and you will see a shark looking back at you.

Narcissists are predators. They do not see others as anything other than a resource. Those who believe they are on the good side of the narcissist, and are therefore safe, are deluded. The more power narcissists achieve, the more unstable they become. When narcissists are unstable, they become even more paranoid than they already are. Their fear of losing what they have gained consumes them, and they begin to see enemies everywhere. When they begin to imagine enemies all around them, no one is safe.

Admirers, allies, and ‘friends’ of narcissists, beware!

Elon Musk, Trump’s wealthy and generous ally, is a spoiled child who wants to do whatever he wants, how ever, and whenever he wants. I suspect he does not like to hear ‘no’. Perhaps he grew up in a family that did not provide healthy parental boundaries, and where he could get away with a lot.

Many parents who do not provide healthy boundaries tend to be self-centred, and self-absorbed. Their need for their children’s worship and admiration eclipses the children’s need for healthy development. Children who are raised without appropriate boundaries, tend to grow up angry, confused, and quite insecure. Even if they grew up with material wealth and comforts, they were essentially psychologically neglected, and used for their parents’ own psychological needs. (Please do not confuse ‘insecure’, with harmless).

Musk thinks that buying his seat next to Trump’s throne would give him the free rein he covets, and to which he is probably accustomed. But I believe he is a naive, misguided, and vulnerable individual. (Once again, please do not confuse ‘vulnerable’ with harmless).

Musk does not understand that doing a deal with a narcissist is always a bad move. It rarely ends well. I would not be surprised if Musk was raised by at least one narcissistic parent (which would fit with poor boundaries). This would predispose him to be drawn to a narcissist, who must seem like a familiar parental figure. If I am right, then Musk wants to curry favour with Trump, in the hope of reaping the rewards that he believes he will receive. This is probably a childhood pattern. His childish behaviour around Trump was embarrassingly telling.

Children of narcissistic parents are among the most wounded people I have encountered in my work. Their journey to recover is extremely difficult. Many never seek therapy at all, and never recover. Narcissistic parents are known to split their children, between those they like and invest in, and those who are ‘no good for anything’, whom they tend to criticise, and/or ignore. The ones who fare the worst, are those who manage to live up to their parents’ expectations, survive their constant pressure, and achieve worldly success, albeit at a heavy psychological price. Their own children, and others around them often suffer as a result. Children of narcissists may appear successful to outsiders, but in reality they are insecure, vulnerable, and troubled. Many are dependent on alcohol, drugs, or other compensatory behaviours just to cope with their chronic anxiety, and trauma symptoms, and the burden of the success they achieve. The more wealthy they become, the easier their access to drugs, alcohol, or other coping mechanisms. Paradoxically, it is the children that the narcissistic parent neglects and rejects, who tend to seek therapy and recover.

Growing up with a parent or parents with personality disorder, especially without mitigation from other safe and protective adults, is likely to leave children with symptoms of trauma. Children of narcissists tend to dismiss their own suffering internally, because dismissal, and pressure was a daily lived experienced, and because the parent’s needs were always more important than theirs. Anything that is recurring in our childhood environment — good or bad, helpful or unhelpful — is wired into our developing brains.

If Trump so much as imagines that Musk ‘steals’ his limelight even for a moment; if Musk says the wrong thing, or ‘steps out of line’, he is going to pay a heavy price. None of his previous ‘good behaviour’, and no amount of money he gave Trump would then count for anything. He would fall out of favour with the new king quicker than he could say, “I’m fed up with the FAA telling me when I can, or can’t fly my Space X rockets”. (I am curious what the obsession with the letter ‘X’ is all about…)

How long have we understood narcissism?

The first book of Samuel in the Bible, Ch 8: 11-18) recounts the story of how the people demanded that the ageing prophet Samuel appoints a king for them, so they can be “like all the other nations”. Samuel did not like it, and offered a sober, stern warning:

“This is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses, and they will run in front of his chariots. Some he will assign to be commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and others to plow his ground and reap his harvest, and still others to make weapons of war and equipment for his chariots. He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his attendants. He will take a tenth of your grain and of your vintage and give it to his officials and attendants. Your male and female servants and the best of your cattle and donkeys he will take for his own use. He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.” (NIV)

In other words, ‘you make your bed, and you will have to lie in it. Do not come crying to me. You made your choice, and you are on your own. But don’t say you were not warned’. This story is ancient, and it shows that humanity has not changed. Not only do we willingly keep selecting narcissists to rule over us, we do it despite knowing what they do.

(I am not religious. If you wonder how I know the Bible, it is because I grew up in Israel and Bible studies are compulsory throughout Israel’s primary and secondary education. In the secular school system—there is a separate Jewish religious system in Israel—they teach the Bible not as a religious text, but as if it is a history book telling us about our identity. The school system teaches the Bible stories uncritically and selectively as a justification, and an excuse for Israel’s settler-colonialism, and everything Israel does).

We keep making the same mistake

Trusting narcissists with power is a tragically foolish thing to do. History tries to teach us this repeatedly, but it is a lesson humans do not seem to learn. For as long as we know, we have had narcissists in charge, and they have always done the same. Circumstances and times might change, but narcissists do not. We should have learned by now not to give power to anyone who lacks empathy. If empathy is there, self-awareness is likely to be there too. People who are capable of empathy and self-awareness are harmless. Narcissists possess neither.

Despite our experience and everything we know, I find that some (even quite intelligent) people, defend narcissists. Perhaps too many people are so disillusioned, and have had the stuffing knocked out of them so much, that they do not dare to believe we can do, and be better. Remaining stuck in an endless, destructive, hopeless cycle does not do justice to who we are as a species, or to the potential we have. We never fail to fall short, and the evidence lies in who we put in power over ourselves.

Narcissists are who they are, and it is not their fault they have the brain they do. We do not choose the brain we are born with. It is we, the non-disordered majority, who are responsible for giving power to people with personality disorders. We ignore our knowledge, intuition, and wisdom, even clear evidence of wrongdoing, and we repeatedly fail to learn from history. But by far our biggest failure is that we have not yet decided to embrace the spirit of unconditional, universal compassion, and cooperation. Instead, we cling to competition, a dog-eat-dog world, fear, and division. It is this mindset that narcissists thrive on, and perpetuate.

Perhaps the cautionary observation that ‘people get the leaders they deserve’ is true. People who ignore the absence of empathy, who live with pet hatreds, and who imagine the world as nothing but tooth-and-claw, deserve to see their dreams crumble. What they do not have is a right to inflict this on those who do not feel the same way, and who want something better than a fearful, hateful, tribalist, survivalist existence. Nothing good can ever come out of a selfish, self-absorbed way of life, devoid of empathy and compassion. If you do not believe me, look out the window, and read a bit of history.

Those who elected Trump have made their bed, and they will have to lie in it. But they also made everyone else’s bed. It will not end well for the US. It never has for any society that had a narcissist in charge. Israel is another case in point, and there are a few others. If only people learned from our collective history. If only people did not give in to their most basic, fear-based sentiments. If only people had the self-awareness and courage to trust what they know deep down, and not given in to fear. It is such a pity that the alternative to Trump was just as problematic.

Someone said to me in a private comment here on Substack that perhaps I am a little too idealistic. Look where low aspirations, fear, and a lack of imagination got us. We must be super-idealistic, or nothing will ever change. Our choice cannot continue to be between bad, and slightly less bad. The ‘lesser of two evils’, or the ‘politics of the possible’ is what got us to our sorry state.

Globalisation, and technology have ensured that all our problems are now global. It means that choosing a new direction and recovering can also be global. And choose a new direction we must, not just for one country, or society, but for all. We share our humanity. We all want to live, and to fulfil our potential, and no one is more deserving than anyone else. All human beings have equal value.

Millions of species have come and gone since life first appeared on this planet. We could easily end up as yet another failed experiment that would disappear without a trace. Fear is normal. But if we are going to fear anything, let it not be our (inevitable) death, but our preventable regression. We can, and should save ourselves, not from extinction, but from devolving, and moving further and further away from what we are capable of being.

Having technology is not a measure of progress. We will demonstrate progress when we place compassion, empathy, and cooperation at the heart of how we organise our societies; at the heart of everyone’s existence. We will be a truly progressive, successful species when we use our ingenuity and technology to enable everyone’s growth and development towards their potential, not just the survival of an entitled few. Imagine the kind of world we can create, and I know we have what it takes to do it. We just need to choose it.

Idealistic? Damn right I am.

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The Masque of Anarchy

(Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1819)

Stand ye calm and resolute,

Like a forest close and mute,

With folded arms and looks which are

Weapons of unvanquished war.

And if then the tyrants dare,

Let them ride among you there;

Slash, and stab, and maim and hew;

What they like, that let them do.

With folded arms and steady eyes,

And little fear, and less surprise,

Look upon them as they slay,

Till their rage has died away:

Then they will return with shame,

To the place from which they came,

And the blood thus shed will speak

In hot blushes on their cheek:

Rise, like lions after slumber

In unvanquishable number!

Shake your chains to earth like dew

Which in sleep had fallen on you:

Ye are many—they are few!

[My bold emphasis]

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1. I do not see the DSM as a bible, and it is quite controversial given that it chooses to label everything a ‘disorder’. However, it is quite accurate about personality disorders. In general people do not understand that the DSM is just a diagnostic manual. It describes clusters of symptoms and gives them names. It does not go into causes, and neither does it prescribe treatment. How the DSM is used is heavily dependent on practitioners’ approach, and philosophy. Whether mental health should be viewed in the same way as physical health, or for that matter, should physical health be viewed the way it does, is a good and important question that we need to explore. Either way, there is something useful in all system of knowledge (even if what they teach us is what not to do). The DSM is no exception.